I had the most enlightening conversation with my mother today. This is surprising considering most of our conversations end with her insulting my size, my personality, my lifestyle, my fine choice of shoes, etc. I recently disclosed to my parents that I am on an online dating site. In an interesting turn they sucked it up and only said, "Be careful." I appreciated this considering I'm 36 and it gets ridiculous when your parents think you can't take care of yourself. I have for many, many years. That being said, it started as a small comment my mother said at Thanksgiving that set the next conversation in motion. Sitting with my sister and I, she decided to explain to me that she felt I needed to meet an older man. A much older man. With grown children...This struck both my sister and I as off and we disagreed. Why? Because most men in their 40s and 50s remind me of my father, and that's just not cool. They also don't have the same likes and dislikes as me - they like Friday night high school football and I like weird sci-fi shows; they like hanging with their kids; I like not hanging with their kids. You get the idea.
And then today, two weeks after the initial conversation she brings it up again. Yes, I went out with a lovely yet eccentric college English professor the other night and had a good time. He was 33. Another of my "guy friends" is 30; another is 26. I'm enjoying my life as a singleton at the moment. And that's it.
My mother begins to expand on why she feels the way she does. "Heather, you're never going to be first in the lives of these younger men, and these men with children. You spent so many years being second to drugs and alcohol with your husband (that's for another blog post), you need to be first. And these men can't give it to you. I mean, have any of these guys not wanted to go out with you again?" "Yes, mother they have. It happens. Sometimes you don't connect, and that's it." So my mother continues, "You need to grow up. You need to understand that you're not young anymore and you need to be interested in these grown-up things. Stop trying to be younger than you really are."
Hmmm. I don't think I can do that mom. Yes, I'm 36, but I'm independent and responsible and have a great life. I do it all myself. I have a lovely life...and I do it all on my own. I don't need a man to pay my rent or car payment. If I want jewelry or flowers, I buy them. I like weird indie music and strange ethnic foods. I go on dates, and sometimes guys don't like me. But that's okay...that's life. I'm 36, but apparently a young 36. Why should I have to change for some ideal of what a man my age or older would want? I'm not going to do that. I'm unique and goofy and an acquired taste, and I love that. I love that I can sit in my cute apartment in this amazing city and know that I'm okay. Yes, I'm 36. And yes, I was treated less than stellar for a long time. It has taken me 4 years and a lot of tears to understand that it's time for me to be who I was meant to be. It's time for me to spread my tattered, healing wings and fly. It's taken me a long time to spread those wings. And I'm not going to stop now. Why can't my evolution involve younger men that are unattached to children and ex-wives, and look at me like I'm a goddess? Why not? Is it not time for me to feel like a goddess...to feel like I deserve to feel?
So for now the conversation with my mom has just settled with "agree to disagree". She may never understand who her child really is. Even if she thinks she knows me, she still has a lot of questions to answer. And so do I. My life is too short to decide that it's ended before it's begun. I've waiting too long to answer those questions I've had and it's time to uncover all that I need to. Until then, who knows what will happen?
