It's "That Girl," Now Disposable!!

It's funny when you have an enlightening moment. The heavens don't
open and angels don't sing, but oddly a tiny occurrence in your day
can cause a reckoning. Something similar happened to me yesterday. In
an instant and with a miniscule sentence I realized I was "That Girl".
No, not Marlo Thomas. I didn't go fly a kite in Central Park or throw
my hat up in the air (those of you that don't get that reference -
you're too young to be reading my blog).
So yeah, "That Girl."
A younger male friend of mine yesterday informed me that he had met a
lovely girl. This is wonderful and I passed along my sentiments as
such, because he's my friend. At that point he noted how much he
enjoyed being my friend and talking with me, and said "so long". No
longer was I his friend. This was a shock to me, considering I feel
friends should not be conditional. But there it was, laid out in front
of me in all its glory. Needless to say I was upset. I mean, he was a
nice person and one of the people in Charlotte I had connected with in
some little way. He was not a boyfriend, but someone I enjoyed hanging
out with. Then I thought about a similar incident that happened a few
weeks ago.
I had a lovely British friend move here and we were buddies. But when
he got here, he stopped calling me. Stop texting me. Stopped
everything. Now, considering these events and the less-than-favorable
dating events of the last few weeks I immediately thought, "Oh my God,
what is wrong with me?" I have to admit there was some tears. There
were obvious "feeling sorry for myself" emotions. And with the
collection of all these thoughts and happenings, I realized what "That
Girl" means, and why it made me so sad.
I'm a friendly, generally happy girl. I see beauty in little,
insignificant things. I'm smart and can often see the other side of
the story. I give good advice (even though I often don't take it). I
pride myself in being someone that is loyal and dependable. I'm a good
person to know. At least I think. And there's where "That Girl" comes
in to the picture: I'm the girl you go to when there's no one else.
When you need a shoulder, a friend, no judgment - I'm here. When you
find someone better and no longer need me - you leave. It happened in
my marriage. It happened in several of my relationships, and it's
happened in some of my friendships. When did true friendships and
relationships fall by the wayside? At what point do people just
decide, "I don't need this person anymore," and be done with it. No
second-guessing, no regret.
I mourn every friendship that has not made it through my 36 years.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I have met every friend, every
acquaintance that has passed through my life. But I can't help but
feel I could have tried harder. And when things happen such as this, I
wonder if true relationships, platonic or otherwise, really exist.
I'm sad that I've become "That Girl". But I would never become less of
a friend, or less of myself to change that. So I'll continue to be
"That Girl" and watch the people come in and out of my life. I'll be
the fodder for the fair-weather friend, and when they find what they
are looking for in life, I'll say good-bye. Because that's apparently
what "This Girl" does.

What will they say when I'm gone?

I had a family member pass away this week, and made an impromptu trip to my hometown for his funeral. It was sad, yes, but he had been ill for a long time. But as I was siting in the chapel of the funeral home listening to the lovely words about this well-loved man, I thought, "What would they say at my funeral?"

It hit me hard. I hadn't thought about it before. Would a lot of people attend my funeral? Would they remember the person that I am, or the things I had done?

I just don't know. I haven't accomplished much in my 36 years according to the standards of society. I have no children, no husband, no property. If I sit and think about it I get depressed. But I know there's more to it. I know someone would have something to say.


I just don't know what.

Where Has Everyone Gone?

One of my favorite movies at the moment is called "Lars and the Real Girl". No, it's not because Ryan Gosling stars in it (okay, maybe a little), but the simple, sad and all too true premise of it. He's a lonely man that buys a companion doll (yes, that kind of doll), and in the midst of his brief madness pretending the doll is his real life girlfriend, all the members of his little town play along. Because they love him, they accept his temporary lunacy and welcome the plastic anomaly as they would a real girl. Yes, it's sad that a person may be so lonely that they create a figment to talk to, to love, to rely on.

While watching this film, and considering my past few months on OKCupid, I've asked myself how, in this world of so many people, are so many lonely? I watch the masses on OKCupid, looking at their profiles, and they all carry a common theme - every person mentions they are looking for someone to spend time with, to do things with; someone to enjoy life. Each person is grasping out through a deep hole of loneliness. They want a friend. They want a companion.

So at what point did we all lose each other? Did we forget how important human interaction really is? We are so focused on our own personal agendas that we forget about everyone else in the process. I spend my day at work, then come home to spend time with my dog, and myself. No one calls, no one texts. I'm simply alone. And I like it that way. I love my little cozy life, but I do admit to getting lonely. I think it's only natural. And apparently I'm not the only one.

This world has become a playground for the sad and detached. Social networking allows us to interact with other people without leaving our couch or the sanctity of our home. Smartphones allow us to send a text - a string of words and letters that have no emotion, not personal affect. Ultimately we never really have to leave our home or speak to another human being face to face. But that's our problem. We're not personal anymore. We don't have to interact. And bazinga, welcome to a world of lonely people.

I wish I could fix this. I wish I could make the world a place where no one cries by themselves at night; where no one feels like the only person on earth; where no one has to create a friend out of a doll or their imaginations. But I'm only one person. One lonely person.