Time for Thanks and Stuff

It's almost Thanksgiving here and almost time for the Great Pumpkin to rise from the pumpkin patch and give...oh, wrong holiday. I mean it's time to give thanks for all that we have and all that fun stuff.

So here is my list of thanks, not in any particular order. I'm thankful for:

My dog and her unconditional love;

My family and lovely friends;

My sense of humor, and the fact that I still have it;

My ability to bounce back, and that I have the opportunity to do so;

My cell phone;

My quirks and eccentricities, good and bad;

My love of red wine;

My comfortable bed;

My finally finding the city I'm meant to live and love;

And finally, my independence.

So really, my life is good. I often get down and wonder about the "what if's" in my life, but I shouldn't. I should embrace my life and treasure it. And I'm going to try to do just that.

Stronger Yet Farther From Reality

I had one of my best friends post something on here Facebook status that hit me hard. It said, "EVERY woman deserves a man who calls her baby, kisses her like he means it, holds her tight like he never wants to let go, wipes her tears when she cries, doesn’t make her jealous of other women, instead makes other women jealous of her, is not scared to let his friends know how he really feels about her, and lets her know how much he really loves her..."
When I read her status it evoked emotions in me I didn't want to express. I got weepy and wanted to hold my head in my hands. I could feel the ache crawl up my body and into my core. All I could think was, "There are no men out there like that."
Wow. How sad. How horribly sad that I don't think there is a man out there that would be and do that for me. But it's true. How did I get so incredibly cynical? How is it, that the first reaction when I see a statement about a loving man, I shut down and become the ultimate pessimist? What happened to me?
My father is the best man I know. He has loved my mother unconditionally and given everything up for her. So good men do exist out there. But for me? I just don't know. I used to think everyone had a soul mate, and now I think that's a fairy tale. My life is not reliant on a man and I treasure that. I'm proud that I'm independent and strong...stronger than some men I know. But does that make me untouchable? Maybe so. So for now statements like the one my friend posted will continue to be stuff of fairy tales. Am I farther from reality, or closer to the truth and more aware than those wearing rose-colored glasses? Only time will tell.

The Anatomy of a Kiss

There are so few things in the world as simple as a kiss. Two separate entities touching lightly, holding briefly and beautifully in an instant. Then separation. And it's over. So simple and pure. So many things can go right in that instant. In a simple second a life can change with a kiss. All things can shift and life as you know it can transform. Just with one kiss.

The past few weeks of my life have been strange to say the least. I've been putting myself out there, and while it is interesting seeing the responses of men, it is difficult. I've met one or two lovely men since the inception of my project on OK Cupid, and then I met Rob. He was snarky and condescending. And was perfect for me. He and I have hit it off, but it's quite a rocky road. He's just out of a marriage and has two small children; I'm four years sober of marriage and very comfortable with single life. Haven't had a boyfriend in years and not sure I want one. And here this geeky, awkward dad of two that's unfamiliar with how to live in a this dating realm enters my life. It spun me uncontrollably.

And there comes the kiss. Just one kiss. So what's the fascination with the kiss? Everything. So simple yet so personal. Everything you ever wanted in a touch from a man, yet more. So who wants these kisses, and who needs them?

A man that can kiss is a prize. It's amazing how many men out there think that a kiss is trying to swallow your face. You feel like you need a bath afterward. But a sweet kiss from a man that likes you should be gentle, simple and warm. Evoking all emotions that aren't shown are expressed. That's a real kiss.

So, ultimately, when will I receive that one kiss. That kiss that starts with a simple touch and moves through my soul? When will I feel that warmth and feeling? When will a man hold me and kiss me with the love that is felt through any bond?
We will see.

All Joking Aside

It's 10:30 pm on a Tuesday night and I'm drinking red wine. Lots of red wine. It's my birthday - my 36th - and I'm not taking it well. I had a wonderful reception to it; friends, Facebook friends, co-workers and family all contacted me with well wishes. I felt so special. So many people - so many friends, said "happy birthday". It was so lovely.
And as the day passed I came home and opened the door to an empty apartment. Granted, my Sophie was there to welcome me. Lovely, happy and innocent. Always treating me like it's my birthday.
So I'm tired, but grateful that I have so many friends.

The Beginning of a Weekend and Bacon Jokes

What could be better than the start of a weekend, a payday and bacon? Each one of these things creates the perfect day, and the day has been close to perfect. My studies when it comes to my online dating experiment, has been far from perfect. Since joining OK Cupid with my more than honest profile, I've received more than 200 messages and 300 page visitors. I'm a bit overwhelmed by the entire concept. It's very sweet to have so many people show an interest in my profile, but it makes a girl wonder what exactly these guys want.
The youngest - 21 years old -simply said, "You're so pretty." The fact the I'm 15 years older than him is quite disturbing. I have several single men and even a few married men, which when I ask why they are on a site like OK Cupid they simply say, "I'm in a loveless marriage and lonely." Wow. Do their wives know that their husbands are online looking for companionship? How would I feel if I were that wife? How horribly sad. One guy said he and his wife were in a loveless marriage and were together solely for their children. This entire process is exhaustive. I can't believe this is how couples these days choose to live their lives. Sad and lonely and looking for love that can never be accepted. I'm so incredibly lucky not to have children and in a situation where I feel they will be emotionally scarred with every move I make. I am, in fact, very lucky.
So far the week-long experience with online dating has been an interesting journey. It's obviously not something I can say is for me. But who's to say it's not for someone else? People I'm sure have met their soul mates online. I just don't know if that's possible. Then again, I'm not sure finding a soul mate at all is possible.

Project Honest Hook Up - Day 2

As my experiment in the online dating realm continues to its second day, I've become intrigued at the concept of meeting people online. After creating my profile on OKCupid last night and posting blatantly honest information in it, seeing the responses coming in are fascinating.
In the last 24 hours I've received more than 30 messages, each one very unique. Some sweet, like "I Like your smile" and "Great profile." And some well, not so sweet. Some younger men asking if I would like a boy toy. Nice. Some just sending their phone numbers. Wow.
Ironically, tonight I watched the film "Catfish". For those that don't know, it's a documentary about a man that meets a girl on Facebook, only to find out that she isn't who she said she is. Nothing is as it seems. Sadly, the context of why the woman on the other end of the story lied is heartbreaking. But the film shows how the Internet has become a facade that hides a person's past and present. You can be anyone and anything you want, or wanted to be. No strings attached.
So, out of the men that contacted me, who was truthful? Really, what person is who they say they are? Are these profiles just a character these men are playing? Someone they've always wanted to be but couldn't because of life? So how accurate is a dating site that only measures what people say they are and not what they really are?
Gone are the days of old fashioned romance, of being swept off your feet. Welcome to online characters and fun, fake stories. Time to accept that what you may see isn't what really may be. Welcome to the 21st Century.

I Love Making a Fool of Myself...

I really don't, but I do love experiments, and I'm beginning one tonight. So after an odd week of posting my experiences with a particular spider, I told my Facebook friends - rather jokingly - that I was going to post a personal ad. It was blatantly honest and sarcastic...and I loved it. So my friends commented, "OMG you have to do this." "Please let me know if this gets responses" and "You have to put this on an online dating site and see what happens". So I have, and I'm going to document what happens during my online dating experience.
Let me preface this by saying I'm not a fan of online dating sites and feel like people that do it aren't necessary honest. So this is particularly interesting to me considering the personal profile (see below) is brutally honest.
So we start tonight. I went to OKCupid, since it was free, and I'm totally not paying for an online dating site; and created a profile using the information I had posted on my Facebook page. Here it is:
"Willing to kill bugs, open jars and go into the "creepy" storage room; share love of bacon, laughing at people that trip and fall, and a good bottle of scotch; will appreciate my quirkiness, eccentricities and humor; be extremely passionate, yet understand I don't want to see you 24/7; understand I make my own money, support myself and don't want to support you. Politicians, egotists and technophobes need not apply - I don't want to talk about your job, how great you are or have you ask me to fix your pc. It's preferable if you live far enough away so I don't have to see you often, but close enough if I can't open my pickles; Must have impeccable grammar and be familiar with Firefly, Felicia Day and Albi the Racist Dragon. No smokers or men in jean shorts."
So, I posted this information, and answered almost 100 questions honestly - I mean really honestly. That was roughly 2 hours ago.
So since I've uploaded my information, I've received in less than two hours:
8 emails and 6 quivers (not too sure what those are)...See what I get tomorrow.
So, this experiment will prove what's important when posting an online profile, brutal honesty or white lies. I'm intrigued. Are you?